Twenty- two!

SO.... it's been a while sense my last blog.... I've had a lot of good one's in my head... just never really the time or motivation to actually sit down and write them out! I've been reflecting a lot lately about the last year of my life..... it's crazy I'm not alittle over a month into being 22 years old and this time last year my life was drastically different. I remember someone telling me that I will not eve be able to dream what the Lord has for me... and they where right. A year ago if I could have seen into now with the knowledge of everything that has passed I never would have believed that I would be where I am now....
Delivered from depression.... living everyday with the knowledge that I am loved completely..... able to see the begining of the end in being healed from Fibromyalgia and all the physical pain I have felt all my life.... getting ready to move in with the best friend i've ever been blessed to have in my life (who at this time last year I was just getting to know).... my relationship with my parents being restored..... I could go on and on about everything the Lord has done in my life this last year.

But that's what I get for telling God that He can't. Praise Jesus that he makes all things new....

Waiting......

Six weeks ago I turned in my application to be admitted into the College of Education at UNR.... you would think six weeks isn't that long...... I know paitence is a good thing, and I am aware that Jesus was giving me my fair dose but at this point in time I really could have done with out the little lesson.... I just wanted to know if I had gotten accepted or not. But I continued to wait as paitently as I could. FINALY......I just recieved my letter from the Curriculum, Teaching, and Learning College of Education it read as fallows:

Dear Amanda;
Congradulaitons! On behalf of the College of Education and the Department of Curriculum, Teaching and Learning, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into the Secondary Education teacher licensure program.


*PRAISE JESUS* THANK YOU LORD! were the first words that I screamed when I read that little paragraph!!! I'm soo excited and I am so thankful for the Lord's blessing in being accepted into the program!!! I'm pumped I acutally get to start working toward something I am PASSIONATE about! I mean I guess that's what I've been doing all a long, but now I know I am one step closer to getting there! GOD IS SOO GOOD! JESUS ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF!

What's love got to do... got to do with it?

Love..... seems to be a theme, a topic of discussion and always thrown into my face lately. How we love people, if we are to love people the way Jesus loves them. Honestly it's something I have always struggeled with. I have been burned by a lot of people in my life..... who hasn't. But has made me grow cold and to keep people at a safe distance, i've gotten really good at allowing people to think they know who I am, with out acutally letting them see the deeper side of me. Being energitic and always having a smile on my face is how I naturally am, but it gives me an advantage because no one ever asked the smiling girl how she's doing, or if they do they never question when i reply with, "GREAT". Don't get me wrong i love smiling and i love being energetic and living ever day that i can get up our of bed to the fullest, it's amazing, but it also keeps people at a safe distance.
So back to love..... if we say we love God but hate our brother then we are liars..... OUCH! then comes the question again of how we should love others. For the last three years i have loves a lot of my Tri-delta sisters at a safe distance..... I have not been very relational with a lot of them for various reasons..... and most of those reasons are my own selfishness. and simply because I don't want to get hurt. Jesus gave been this vision or idea the other day and I don't know if i can explain it well or not but i will try..... He pretty much told me to get nitty and griddy and elbow deep in my sister's lives..... that loving them is being relational with them.... and putting myself out on the line...... allowing them to see me for who I am, Jesus made me who I am so why should i be affraid of how people will react? and he gave me another wack in the head to know that not if... but WHEN i get hurt by them, becuase they are HUMAN and the will naturally disapoint me and hurt me as I will them, HE will be faithful to cure all stings, and to wash away all scratches and heal all bruses to leave my heart and their's soft and tender. SO.... what's love go to do with it??? The answer is EVERYTHING!!! If we have a little heart ache in our lives it's becuase we've loved a little, and if we've loved a little it means we've lived a little!

Untitled as of now

I've mentioned before that sometimes I write poems.... this last week i've been working on one, it's not finished yet but I figured I would post what I have. currently this one does not have a title....

In the calm of the quite
Taking sips of your breath
Across a November sunset sky
Spirit of truth
Would you speak through lies


My heart’s tender agony of parting
After all this has passed

I still will remain
Joy of a promise sustains
I will cry my last
You will trade beauty for pain

On your morning expression
Refining beauty falls down
Never running dry
Fountain of life wash away anguish
Restore innocence deprivation

Joy of a promise sustains
I will cry my last
You will trade beauty for pain

By,

amanda collins

DUCK... DUCK... DUCK.....

So weird thing about me... i like ducks.... I don't really know why but they just make me smile :) I have a strange collection of Rubber Ducks and I like real ducks too. So where is this blog exactly going? well lastnight I was walking to class, and I decided to take that time and just chill with Jesus, and tell Him about my day and listen to what he has for me. I was about two minutes away from my class and was passing a patch of grass that is by a parking lot. The patch of grass was full of ducks, and it made me smile. Then I rememberd that one of the coolest sounds ever is the sound of a Ducks foot on pavement... I don't even know how to describe it (i know as an English major I should, but you'll just have to take my word for it.... it sounds cool) kind of like little rubber suction cups that never get to stick...... anway way back to my point. As I was aproaching the patch of grass, I rememberd that sound and thought oh it would be cool if I duck would cross the parking lot right now so I could hear that.... but i'm probably too close for them to even come over this way...... and kept walking... just then, THREE ducks started walking and waddled across the sidewalk and hopped down to the parking lot and waddled across. I giggled because I totally knew that Jesus had them cross the way for me, and it was him loving on me! Jesus is soo cool!!! He loves me and makes Ducks cross the street to show me how attentive he is to our wants and desires!

Sweetly Broken

Earlier I mentioned the holy 2x4 that the Lord hit me with while my Brazilian Mom was here. Part of that was he gave her a vision about how my walk with the Lord has been ever sense I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior 6 ½ years ago. It was hard to swallow and to hear that I had not fully submitted all of me to him, and that I needed my life to truly be sanctified more and more for him everyday. Honestly, I thought my life was sanctified…. Apparently not. I also need to soften my heart completely before the Lord and allow him reign completely over all that I am. Those things are good to hear, but at the same time the accountability factor comes in and I am required to do something about it… The day after I was hit with all that I was talking with the Lord about it and wrestling with it, and confessing that I desired to do all that he placed before me I just did not know how to go about it. While I was sitting in the calm of the quite, before him He gave me the most intimate vision and it’s what I remember everyday when I wake up and it is what I call on in times of my struggles. The Lord has placed on my heart to declare what He has shown me and to share it:

With the fire behind me, and the river before me, running strong, crystal clear water with pure white rapids. I enter into the water one step at a time with old tattered clothes from my past, my body covered in scares and wounds from battles he’s lead me through. I sit down and the water envelops me. As fast as the water is pulling I stay planted where I sat down. Jesus from the shore enters into the water and I am suddenly aware of all my dirtiness that He sees. All fear leaves me, as he loves me perfectly and wipes away my tears and touches every single wound and scar on my body with tears in his eyes and compassion seeping through his expression. Then he baptizes me in the pure water, and I am immersed completely in all that he is. My body is made new, every scar every cut is gone without a trace, as if it never existed before. When I am lifted back up out of the living water my clothes now consist of a beautiful white dress…. (The most beautiful wedding dress I have ever seen in my life…. ) I fall into my lover/ saviors arms and weep as tears fall from my praises and the fragrance is that of a sweet perfume. In that moment I know as I rest in His arms I am sweetly broken and in a holy surrender. I also am aware that I am loved completely by my God and that I am exactly what He is looking for and exactly what He has been desiring in a bride.

Transparency...

What is mind blowing is that when Jesus died on the cross He looked out and saw my face.... and when He saw my face he knew exactly what my life would be.... He could see the depths of my heart and in that moment He still loved me the same and still said, "father forgive her..." he advocated for me, even though I deserve a criminal's death he continues to extend grace and mercy everyday....so why is it when we struggle repeatedly with something we try to hide it, and act like everything is okay? Or maybe I should just own that... when I struggle with something I often try to conceal it from Jesus, as if he can't see through me already. I honestly believe I am not the only one that struggles with this... or rather shame consumes me to the point of not being able to approach my best friend......
Why don't I give Jesus the transparency of my heart that He deserves? What am I afraid of? Honestly, He does not need my self-righteous heart that attempts to conceal what I am thinking, feeling or struggling with.... He knows everything anyway! I am finding that when I consciously bare all before him, the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugliest parts of my heart, he comes along side me, and whispers,.... it was for all this that He sacrificed His life for me. It is in these times with Him that I can see he delights in who I am and who he is making me to be. Jesus is amazing.... he brings me hope, peace, healing.... He gives me LIFE